Learning to Manage Disagreement in Relationships: Part IV

Contempt

The fourth of the “four horsemen” (Gottman uses the term “belligerence” to refer to a more severe form of scorn. The four horsemen’s cousin is another name for aggression. Gottman discovered that “contempt in a relationship” was a strong predictor of divorce in 86 percent of cases, making him believe that it was the most harmful of the four horsemen. Any behavior that makes your partner feel “cast down” is considered “contempt.” Contemptuous communication might have negative consequences. Being disrespectful to people and making fun of them with sarcasm and condescending language are both examples of contempt. Similar rules apply to calling someone a name, copying them, and utilizing sneering or rolling your eyes as body language. Because it conveys superiority and disgust, contempt in any form, especially moral, ethical, or characterological scorn, is bad for relationships. Examples include minimizing your partner, treating them with contempt, rolling your eyes, sneering, insults, calling names, making fun of them, and being cynical.

Contempt can be as simple as having disdain or disgust with your partner in how they chew gum, eat, drive, or snore at night. Warning signs of “contempt” include: You no longer feel admiration for your partner. It is difficult for you to remember your partner’s positive aspects. You feel that your partner has severe personality deficiencies. Antidotes for contempt include: Focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Use “time-out” when you recognize that the situation is becoming heated. Watch your tone and facial expressions. Focus on the behavior and not the person. Most importantly, gain an appreciation of where your partner is coming from. Often when we are able to put our partner’s behavior in context, we have a greater appreciation of the cause or causes of their behavior and as a result, better see that their behavior is about them rather than about us.