Slow Down Your Speech and Recognize Your Biases

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Start off softly, and conclude softly. When a couple needs to discuss a challenging subject, the conversation typically begins badly or brutally. Usually, whether your partner will be overloaded or not depends on how gently you set the tone. Initially, speak slowly. If necessary, be prepared to stop and start again. When I bring up a sensitive subject with Erica that I know would upset her, I gently express how afraid I was of her when I was a teenager because she was (and still is) so forceful and strong. Erica, this is why I used to be terrified of you, I’ll parody it right now. Could you please phrase that again? Replace with a new sentence and start over. Without humor and a slow introduction, I’ll overwhelm the subject quickly and the conversation won’t move further. Remember that a soft start will result in a soft finish!

The problem of negative bias also commonly comes up in my work with couples. When you already feel awful about the relationship or when you are overwhelmed, you tend to lean on the side of caution, or what I like to call the side of self-protection. This means that if the person does or says anything undesirable, your opinion of them will be negatively impacted once more. It just serves to support your impression of them. A chunk of this is due to the fundamental attribution fallacy, which is the error we make when figuring out why someone did something. This myth implies that my achievement is a result of my inborn abilities and talents. And when I make mistakes, it’s usually because of a situation or other outside factor. When my relationship is healthy, I see my partner’s behaviors as mostly reflecting who they are as a person, and when they make a mistake, I blame the situation. I, however, tend to flip that script in my brain when the relationship is experiencing problems and start to believe that when my spouse makes a mistake, it’s because of who they are because of their innate character flaws. 

In a similar vein, when my partner does something admirable, I excuse it by pointing the finger upon the external factors. Of fact, both external conditions and internal personality traits have an impact on everyone’s behavior. We must be able to precisely and logically evaluate the other person’s intentions in order to be fair. Naturally, when a relationship is going well, we have a tendency to be a little bit naive about both our partner and ourselves, thinking that our good deeds are the product of internal traits and our deficiencies are the consequence of external circumstances. After I have explained the attribution issue, the couple naturally provides multiple instances of themselves making this error throughout the discussion. Then, we put those scripts to practice or create new ones that are more palatable. I’ll react by asking, “Are there any other possible explanations for his behavior?” What else might she have meant by it, for example? Getting them to do that helps them to reinterpret experiences with less negativity or inundation, which should allow them to once again see their spouse as they did in the past when things were more brighter.

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Taking a premarital education course is vital for equipped couples to share a lifetime of marital bliss and happiness. D’Arienzo Psychology wants to help you prepare for your life together. Dr. Justin D’Arienzo is our Board-Certified Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert. Dr. D’Arienzo has serviced this course to couples since 2013. Hundreds of couples recommend our course and claim that it has helped set a solid foundation for marital success. Research suggests that couples who take a premarital preparation course gain an advantage over couples that do not take a premarital preparation course.

Dr. D’Arienzo wanted to develop a fully efficient, online, fully automated, fun premarital course that teaches couples how to work together. Dr. D’Arienzo has perfected all of our exercises and information to ensure that couples gain the knowledge they need.  He also offers this course to couples planning on tying the knot in Florida, Georgia, Texas, Tennessee, South Carolina, Oklahoma, and Minnesota.

Do you want to lead a happy marriage that lasts a lifetime? Do you want to have fun and gain inside knowledge about marriage from a leading psychologist? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then our Georgia Online Premarital Education Course is right for you! You can learn more about our Georgia Online Premarital Preparation Course Here.